


Wake-Up Call

by AnakinCaffrey



Category: White Collar
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Drunk Sex, Drunk non-con Sex, M/M, Mpreg (male pregnancy), Other Additional Tags to Be Added, mentioned drug use
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-06
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-15 07:10:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9224411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnakinCaffrey/pseuds/AnakinCaffrey
Summary: Neal is forced to ask a man he resents for help, but that resentment can’t last forever, can it?





	1. Chapter 1

Neal Caffrey, a nineteen year old art aficionado, was ending the second semester of his freshman year in college when his life changed. A few weeks following the end of the semester, his experience with one of the campus fraternities ended his college experience. It wasn’t what he expected and it was something he certainly didn’t want to repeat. He’d attended one party at the request of a friend he’d made the previous semester and decided he wanted to join the fraternity since he had so much fun at their party. That had been his first mistake.

He’d spoken to the student who was in charge of the fraternity and was subsequently told that they had a certain kind of initiation that he had to partake in before he could join. Eagerly, he’d agreed to partake without knowing what they intended on having him do. He’d gone upstairs with this particular student and wound up in a room full of his drunk soon-to-be fraternity brothers. Neal was asked to choose one of them to remain in the room, so Neal chose a man he found slightly attractive. He’d been confused, but he complied up to that point. The other brothers cleared out, leaving the drunk brother and the student in charge.

The brother in charge ordered him to kneel and Neal assumed his name had been addressed until he was shoved down onto his knees. Apparently, the other man hadn’t remembered his name and didn’t realize he hadn’t reacted out of defiance. He was told to strip himself quickly. After a moment of hesitation, he’d done just that. As far as he knew, they were going to have him run across the campus naked.

Now that he could look back on what happened, he wished they’d had him run across the campus naked.

Neal hadn’t been prepared for what the drunken man was going to do to him. He’d been raped by the man he’d chosen to remain in the room and no one came to his rescue when he screamed. He’d tried to fight back to no avail. In fact, the brother in charge ended up drugging him to make him comply without further resistance.

Needless to say, he could remember everything afterwards. After that night, he decided he could never walk into that fraternity house ever again. He’d been humiliated and abused for no reason at all. They’d ‘hazed’ him in a sexual way that he hadn’t consented to. When one of the brothers caught him heading to the campus counseling center, he’d been threatened. The man who threatened him knew what transpired at the party even though he hadn’t been present for the ‘initiation.’

Once he’d been threatened by one of his ‘brothers,’ he decided that he couldn’t remain on campus. He dropped out of his art program and the college itself, which meant he wasn’t able to continue living on campus. He’d moved away from home and decided to live on campus for a reason, but now he had another reason for leaving the campus. Unfortunately, he wasn’t welcome in his home and he was forced to figure things out for himself.

He’d been harassed by his ‘brothers’ on campus for two weeks, but he couldn’t find a place to live in for an additional three weeks. Before he finally found an apartment to live in that he could barely afford, he’d found out how drastically his life was going to change in a matter of months.

Three weeks after he’d been ‘initiated’ into the fraternity, he’d had horrible bouts of sickness at various times throughout the day. He let that go on for about a week before arriving at a clinic so he could have himself checked out by a doctor free of charge. There, he heard words he never thought he’d hear in his life. He was carrying a child—inside of himself.

Seven weeks after his ‘initiation,’ he found himself sitting on a bed in a place he didn’t really consider ‘home’ while sobbing. His life was falling apart at the seams and he didn’t know what to do or where to go. He couldn’t find a job, he couldn’t afford to pay his rent, and he was now seven weeks pregnant.

Neal had never felt so alone in his life. He had no one to reach out to and he was afraid of contacting anyone for help. With his laptop in front of him, he had a difficult decision to make for himself. Did he want to contact someone for help because he desperately needed help? Or did he want to continue going on like this until he made the heart wrenching decision of terminating his pregnancy? His doctor already suggested terminating the pregnancy and reminded Neal that he needed to do so early on if that was what he wanted to do. The doctor ultimately left the decision to him, but he didn’t know if he could live with himself after aborting the life growing inside of his body.

He’d always been pro-choice when it came to abortion because he felt like women should have the right to do as they please with their own bodies, but he wished someone would make his decision for him now. He didn’t think he could take care of a child on his own and he didn’t think he could possibly abort his unborn child.

He’d spent the last three weeks debating on whether or not he wanted to continue his pregnancy and still couldn’t make up his own mind. Part of him loved the idea of becoming a father, but the other part of him was terrified of becoming a father. That terror was solely derived from the idea that he was going to carry this child, give birth, and raise the child alone. He had several reasons to terminate the pregnancy, but his heart was holding him back.

A week ago, he’d prepared an email to send to one individual that he wanted to be aware of his pregnancy, but he hadn’t been able to bring himself to hit the send button.

His email was open right in front of him with the drafted email on display. He’d gotten his sonogram recorded and saved in the form of a video that was now attached to the email. “Do it now or you never will,” he whispered to himself. Neal couldn’t convince himself that sending this email would do him any good, but his heart was telling him to send the email. “Do it now or you never will,” he repeated to himself, setting his jaw firmly as tears continued sliding down the sides of his face.

Finally, he forced himself to send the email.

Moments later, he lifted his right hand and covered his mouth to quiet himself. He closed his eyes and tried to get himself under control, but he hadn’t been able to since he’d been sexually assaulted. He hadn’t told anyone about what happened because he was afraid of the repercussions, but he needed to reach out to someone for help before he drowned in his isolation.

•◊•

Two hours after Neal sent his email, the recipient walked into his own apartment and eagerly checked his inbox in the hopes of receiving more information about the medical school he was looking forward to applying for. He hadn’t received that information yet, which disappointed him, but he was stunned to see that he’d received an email from ‘Neal Caffrey.’ Of course he knew who Neal was, but he didn’t know why Neal was emailing him. In fact, that terrified him. He hadn’t opened the message yet, but seeing the name in his inbox had him scared shitless.

It’d been five weeks since he last saw Neal in person. After he’d run into Neal while he assumed Neal was on his way back to his dorm, he’d never seen him again. It felt like Neal had simply…vanished. It took him an additional two weeks to finally discover that Neal had dropped out and moved out of his dorm.

He tried to find out why Neal left, but no one seemed to know. Neal’s own roommate didn’t know why Neal dropped out.

However, he was well aware of why Neal left before he’d asked around.

In a way, he’d been covering all of his bases in an attempt to see if Neal had spoken to anyone about why he’d been acting very differently prior to leaving in order to see if he were going to get into trouble or not.

Swallowing hard, he opened Neal’s email.

All that Neal had written was: _Happy father’s day._

The video attached to the email was what made his heart stop. He knew what he was looking at, but he didn’t understand. The email had been sent to him two hours ago and he hoped Neal was still available. Immediately, he responded with: Call me.

He provided his phone number for Neal and sat back anxiously, biting his lip as he waited. Whipping his phone out of his pocket, he set it down on his desk and waited to see if Neal would call him. It took fifteen minutes, but an incoming phone call lit up his screen. He immediately answered and whispered, “Neal?”

“ _It’s me._ ”

Neal sniffled and sounded absolutely miserable. “Neal, what is this? Is this some kind of joke?”

“ _No._ ”

This was really wrong. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing in front of him. Sure, it was father’s day, but he didn’t understand why Neal had sent it to him. “What the hell is that? Why did you send it to me?” He knew Neal had every reason to hang up on him, but he figured Neal knew he wasn’t going to let Neal ignore him after this email. “What the hell is—?”

Neal whispered, “ _That’s your child, God damn it. You want to go on to become a doctor and you can’t even figure out that I just sent you a sonogram?_ ” Neal waited for an answer and didn’t receive one. “ _This isn’t a joke. That’s your child._ ”

“…inside of you?”

The tortured sound Neal made before crying into the phone broke his heart. “ _Yes. That’s your child and it’s inside of me._ ”

He stared at the video in horror. “How did this happen?”

“ _Don’t pretend like you don’t know,_ ” Neal said fiercely.

“Okay… How do you know it’s mine if this is real?”

There was a brief silence on the other end, but he could hear Neal trying to calm himself down and even out his breathing. “ _Because I’m seven weeks pregnant. You raped me seven weeks ago and you were the first and only man who had sex with me._ ” He’d seen Neal look at him fearfully the last time he saw Neal, but Neal hadn’t spoken to him. He knew Neal wasn’t lying to him. In fact, he had a video that absolutely proved Neal was telling him the truth. Matthew Keller, the man in charge of the fraternity he and Neal had been included in, set up an ‘initiation’ ceremony for Neal that included nonconsensual sex. He was fully aware of the fact that Keller encouraged him while he was drunk and he watched the video in horror when he’d sobered up. Keller had recorded him raping Neal that night, claiming it was blackmail that they could use to keep Neal quiet. “ _I hate you so much,_ ” Neal said brokenly. “ _I never wanted to hear your voice or see your face ever again._ ”

Swallowing hard, he asked Neal, “Then why did you contact me?”

“ _I don’t know what to do. You’re responsible for this, but I have to live with what you did to me._ ” Neal was making him feel awful and he knew he deserved Neal’s resentfulness. “ _I’ve tortured myself with the idea of aborting it, but I can’t do it. I can’t abort it._ ” Neal let out a shaky breath before whispering, “ _I can’t raise it. I’m about to lose my apartment and I can’t find a job. How am I supposed to take care of someone else if I can’t take care of myself?_ ”

“I’m assuming you don’t want to put it up for adoption either.”

It wasn’t a question because he’d figured Neal wanted to keep it, but he was really torn about his decision. “ _No,_ ” Neal whispered. “ _I hate you, but it’s mine. I don’t want to give it up even though I know I can’t care for it. I know I’m going to have to put it up for adoption because it won’t survive with me._ ”

Neal began to cry as he rambled on about how he had no money, no food, and was about to lose the only roof he had over his head right now. “Neal. Neal,” he pleaded. “Neal, please don’t cry.” Telling Neal not to cry didn’t seem to make things better and he absolutely understood. “I’m so sorry for putting you in this position. Please tell me how I can help you.”

“ _I need financial support and I swear I’ll prove this pregnancy to you. I’m not lying to you. I want to take care of this baby, but I can’t support it. I’m on the verge of starving myself and I never want this child to suffer like that. I never want—_ ”

“How far away from here did you move?”

Neal told him, “ _I’m three hours away._ ”

“I don’t suppose I could convince you to move back here?” he suggested. Not to his surprise, Neal didn’t respond. “I know you hate me, but you need help. I have an apartment with a room I’m using for bullshit storage.” Neal still didn’t respond to his offer. “Wouldn’t it be easier for me to help you if you were closer to me? I won’t hurt you, Neal. I want to take care of you. I owe you that after what I did to you…”

“ _You owe this child that after creating it,_ ” Neal snapped. “ _I hate you and I’d rather die than go anywhere near you again._ ”

Frowning, he accepted Neal’s words without snapping back at him. “Neal, I will never touch you again. I swear to you that you are absolutely off-limits to me. Just please let me help you. Please move here and live in my apartment. I will do anything you ask of me and anything the baby needs.” Neal was quiet, which he hoped meant that Neal was considering his offer. “I won’t let the frat harass you either. This is between you and me. It’s none of their business.”

“ _You just want me close so I’m too afraid to tell the police._ ”

Sighing, he said, “No, Neal. I’ve been tempted to report myself for what I did. I was going to do it after I ran into you the last time I saw you, but you…left.” He wasn’t lying either. He hated himself as much as he hated Keller for tormenting an innocent young man who’d simply wanted to become part of their fraternity. “I would love to turn myself in, but I can’t exactly take care of you if I’m in prison.”

Neal hesitated. He was trying to determine whether or not he should believe what the other man just told him. “ _I don’t trust you, but I have no other choice._ ” Neal had unwillingly accepted the offer, so he sighed in relief. “ _Don’t mistake my acceptance for weakness. I hate you with every fiber in my being and I will fight back harder than I did before. If you touch me ever again, I promise you that I’ll ruin your chances at ever becoming a doctor, Peter._ ”

Peter Burke was the man responsible for all of this. He’d been drunk that night, but he knew he’d taken advantage of Neal. He knew as well as Neal that Neal had been raped by him. All he could do now was attempt to care for Neal and their child. He knew he owed them that at the very least. In reality, he owed Neal so much. Neal’s life wasn’t going to be the same after this.

•◊•

Three and a half hours later, Peter was sitting outside of a ratty, broken down poor excuse for an apartment building. He was absolutely disgusted at the sight of it and couldn’t believe Neal had been living here. Swallowing his pride, he got out of his Taurus and headed inside to find an equally disgusting man tending to the ‘front desk.’ “I’m here for…for Neal Caffrey.”

“Ah. Snake Eyes!” Peter’s brows furrowed as the man turned around and grabbed a phone. He dialed a number and waited for a moment before saying, “You’ve got a visitor, Snake Eyes. I hope he’s a lawyer.” He hung up immediately thereafter and Peter looked at the man incredulously. “I’m sure you know your client can’t pay for shit around here.”

Peter didn’t hesitate to ask, “How much does he owe you?”

“Six-fifty.”

Peter wanted to scoff at the man in front of him. This place didn’t look like it was worth that much money, but he decided that it didn’t matter. Peter immediately pulled a checkbook and pen out, writing out a check for seven hundred dollars. “Six-fifty for his rent and the extra fifty is so you don’t harass him ever again.” The man stared at him with wide eyes. “Keep this to yourself. He owes you nothing now.” Peter watched him immediately stuff the check in a safe place.

Turning around as an elevator opened behind him, Peter gaped at the young man who emerged from the elevator. It was so obviously Neal, but he certainly didn’t look like the Neal he remembered seeing several weeks ago. Neal had a small bag slung over his shoulder that didn’t look like it had much in it and he looked severely underweight, which wasn’t healthy for him or for the baby. Neal couldn’t look at him even as he approached the man at the desk. “I’m still searching for a job,” Neal whispered. “As soon as I get paid, I’ll begin to pay you back—with interest.”

The man looked at Peter before glancing at Neal. “Don’t worry ‘bout it, Snake Eyes. Just get outta here.”

Neal’s brows furrowed. He’d been harassed up and down lately by this man because he wanted the rent Neal owed. Whipping around, Neal glared at Peter. He knew Peter paid for the rent and he resented Peter for it. He wanted to be able to take care of himself eventually and the last thing he wanted was to owe _Peter_ money. When Peter reached out to take his bag, Neal flinched and Peter immediately retracted his hand. “My car’s outside.” Neal nodded and followed Peter out of the building. When Peter pulled the car door open for Neal, he caught the sneer on Neal’s face. “What?”

“Stop pretending like you’re my knight in shining armor. If it weren’t for you, I’d still be in my dorm and I wouldn’t be pregnant,” he hissed. Peter flinched in response to Neal’s cutting words. Again, he knew he deserved them. “I ha—”

“Are you going to tell me you hate me every second of every day until this baby is born?” Neal pursed his lips and continued glaring at him. “I know you hate me. Believe me when I tell you I hate myself. This is absolutely my fault and I know helping you won’t make up for what I did, but I’m… I’m kind of glad that I can help you.”

Neal threw his bag into the car and got in immediately after that. He grabbed the car door and slammed it shut. Peter bit his lip, figuring he shouldn’t have sounded so eager. He was thankful for the fact that Neal came to him for help, but he figured he was Neal’s last resort.

As soon as Peter joined Neal in the car and started the car, Neal growled, “I have every right to hate you. Nothing you do for me will change that. You did this to me, Peter. You raped me.”

Peter closed his eyes and tried to refrain from screaming at Neal. He hated himself a little more every time Neal said that he’d raped him. Yes, Neal was correct, but Peter didn’t want to hear that anymore. He’d beaten himself up since finding out and this made things even worse. Neal was hurting because of him, but now he was hurting because of the child he wanted and couldn’t provide for because of him. “Yes. I raped you,” he finally said. “I’ll never be able to tell you how sorry I am and I don’t expect you to forgive me. Can I please ask that you attempt to tolerate how close we’re going to be? You’ll never have to pay me back for any of this.” Neal looked skeptical, so Peter sighed. “If you want a boatload of ice cream or whatever you’re going to crave, I will get it for you without moaning and groaning. I did this to you, so I’ll run out at three in the morning to buy ice cream for you if you ask it of me.” Neal’s lips began to tremble then. Peter could see Neal’s fear—the same fear he’d seen the last time he’d been in Neal’s presence. “I don’t expect anything from you, Neal. You won’t believe me when I say that, but I mean it.”

Neal looked away from him immediately. Under normal circumstances, Peter might’ve tried to gently make Neal look at him again. These weren’t normal circumstances though and the last thing he wanted to do was force Neal to do anything. Instead, he decided to leave Neal alone and remain silent during the drive back to his apartment.

About an hour into the drive, Neal asked, “Why are you so willing to help me if you don’t expect me to let you rape me?”

Peter’s fingers tightened on the steering wheel for a moment. “Because I’m sober. My sex drive has been severely lacking since I found out about what I did to you.” Neal’s brows furrowed in confusion. “I was drunk and high when it happened. It’s no excuse for what I did to you, but it’s the truth. I didn’t remember you at all. He snickered as he talked about you and I had no idea who the hell you even were.” Neal’s heart ached as he listened to Peter. “I’ve never forced anyone into sex before and it was never my intention to…to hurt you.” He blinked back his own tears as he thought about how much pain Neal has been through in the last seven weeks. “I didn’t believe him at first. I felt awful though. Considering I wrote several research papers that centered on victims of rape, I couldn’t even handle seeing you from a distance. Knowing that I did something to you that I never would’ve done if I were sober has killed me inside, Neal.”

“Why? You were able to get yourself off. Didn’t you rape me to satisfy your needs?”

“No,” Peter growled. “I don’t know why I did it. I can’t explain it to you and I refuse to make up an explanation. I’m going to live with this for the rest of my life, Neal. You’re going to live with this for the rest of your life, too, but I have to live my life knowing that I violated an innocent boy’s body.” He breathed shakily as he asked, “Were you even eighteen? It’s not right regardless, but I swear to you that I’ll report myself if you were underage when I raped you.”

“I’m nineteen,” Neal whispered. 

Peter breathed a little easier. “I’m so sorry for putting you through this when you’re still so young.” Neal held his breath. He honestly had no idea how old Peter was. If he wanted to be completely honest, he knew next to nothing about Peter. “I’m twenty-one.” It seemed like Peter read his mind for a moment. That made Neal uncomfortable. He didn’t want his thoughts to be predictable around Peter. “Neal, do you mind if I ask you something?” Neal’s throat constricted as fear overwhelmed him, but he shook his head when Peter looked at him. “Why do you have such a small bag? You’ve been living on your own for a few weeks.”

Neal relaxed even though he felt embarrassed. He hadn’t expected Peter to question his lack of belongings. “I had to sell whatever I thought was valuable. I didn’t make a whole lot of money, but it was enough to buy some food every now and then.”

Glancing at Neal’s bag, Peter asked, “Do you want to go shopping before I take you to my apartment?” Neal didn’t know how to respond to that. He would love to have new, clean clothes. Thus far, Peter hadn’t complained about him, but Neal didn’t exactly smell like roses. “I honestly don’t mind. I needed to go grocery shopping. This is the perfect opportunity since you’re with me to tell me what foods you like.”

“Can we go to your apartment first? I… I want to clean myself up a bit before going out in public.”

Peter felt terrible. While he’d been living his life as though he hadn’t impregnated a man he’d sexually violated, Neal had struggled to survive from day to day. “No problem. You’re welcome to use the shower and my clothing if you want. What’s mine is now yours.”

“Yeah. Including this baby…” Neal muttered.

Sighing, Peter nodded. “I believed you when you told me you were pregnant. I won’t ask you to prove anything. All I ask is that you…try to tolerate me, Neal. I want to help you and I will do anything for you.” Neal wished Peter would stop talking to him. When he acted so kind, it was difficult to hate him. “Do you know how your body is going to develop during the pregnancy? Like, are you going to need maternity clothes?”

Neal hadn’t thought about that at all. “I honestly have no idea. I would assume that my body will change like a woman’s body, but I guess we’re going to have to wait and find out.” He sadly rested his hand over his stomach and thought about the little life inside of him. Despite how much he resented Peter, he wanted to love the baby inside of him. Peter would always be with him because he partook in their baby’s creation and that was Neal’s only regret.

He hadn’t realized he was capable of carrying a child, but he regretted the fact that the baby had been created by a rapist. One thing he’d immediately thought upon giving himself hope for the baby’s future was that he would never consider the child a mistake. Peter might’ve made a mistake, but it certainly wasn’t the baby. After all, the baby didn’t ask to be born and Neal didn’t ask to have nonconsensual sex. He wouldn’t blame the baby for anything at any point. His body was going to change in one way or another during the baby’s development, but he wouldn’t regret carrying his child. He wanted to be a father and he was going to try to be the best damn father he could be once the baby was born.


	2. Chapter 2

The first night that Neal spent in Peter’s apartment was uncomfortable. He was lying on an extra bed that Peter claimed was for guests, but Neal wondered who else had slept on this bed prior to his arrival. He was trying to get comfortable on the mattress, but it was far too firm for him. It also didn’t help that he doesn’t trust Peter. He was afraid to fall asleep because he felt like Peter was capable of coming into the room when he was asleep in order to take advantage of him—again. He left the door slightly open so he could hear Peter if Peter were approaching the room. He wanted to be prepared.

Neal tossed and turned for hours until he had finally exhausted himself to the point where he was going to fall asleep. The creak of his door startled him and he pushed himself up, turning to stare at Peter fearfully. Peter looked half asleep and his hair was disheveled. “Are you okay? All you’ve done for the last four and a half hours is toss and turn.” Neal didn’t answer him. “Are you okay?”

“I’m personally fine,” Neal whispered. “It’s the mattress that isn’t.”

Peter’s brows furrowed. “What’s wrong with it?”

Neal bit his lip for a moment. “It’s too hard.”

There was a brief silence between them until Peter said, “Come with me for a second.” Neal hesitated and that didn’t go unnoticed by Peter. It took a few moments, but Neal eventually slid out of bed and approached Peter. Peter turned and headed towards his own room, which terrified Neal. Neal was frozen in fear because he refused to go into a room with a bed—with Peter. The last time he’d been in a room that included Peter and a bed, he’d been sexually assaulted by Peter. It didn’t seem like Peter would do something so horrifying under normal circumstances, but Neal didn’t want to give him the benefit of the doubt. “Come in here,” Peter said as he sighed sadly. Neal’s heart began to hammer in his chest while Peter made his way towards the bedroom and entered. “Try my bed. See if that’s more comfortable for you.”

“No,” Neal said immediately. Peter knew he was afraid and he felt increasingly sick as he watched Neal react in ways he wasn’t accustomed to.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” he tried to assure Neal.

“No,” Neal repeated. He even backed away and Peter could see that he was trembling.

Peter didn’t think offering to give Neal a place to live was a very good idea anymore. He could only imagine how much he’d hurt Neal. Seeing Neal like this upset Peter a great deal, but he knew there was honestly nothing he could do because Neal didn’t want to allow him to do anything. “I’ll leave the room,” he finally said as he went about doing so. He stood in the living area and gestured towards the room. “I’ll stay right here. Go lie down and see if this bed feels better for you.”

Fortunately, that seemed to work. Peter’s close proximity to Neal outside of the bedroom made Neal uncomfortable, so he’d willingly gone into the bedroom to get away from him. Peter didn’t make a single move as Neal’s eyes flickered back and forth between the bed and Peter. Neal didn’t know what was going to happen, but he tentatively crawled onto the bed. His eyes were on Peter, but Peter didn’t make a move towards him. Even though he felt like Peter was going to harm him, he had to admit that Peter’s bed felt so much better. He laid at the center of it comfortably and Peter managed to smile a little. “It feels a lot better.” When Neal shot up and stared at him, Peter was immediately concerned. “I’m not sharing a bed with you. I don’t care how comfortable it is. I’d rather sleep on an uncomfortable matt—”

Peter came into the room abruptly and grabbed one of the pillows. Neal’s first thought was that Peter was about to smother him. Again, he was surprised when that wasn’t the case. “I’m not going to sleep with you.” He went towards the closet and grabbed an extra blanket before whispering, “Good night, Neal. Get some sleep.”

Neal’s brows furrowed as Peter simply…left the room. He listened for a moment before realizing Peter had given up his bed and was now sleeping on the couch. That surprised the hell out of Neal. He honestly expected Peter to take advantage of him. Perhaps he hadn’t made the proper assumption about Peter’s character. After all, Peter made the distinction between being drunk and sober. He also admitted that he hadn’t known who Neal was when he was told about what happened between them.

As Neal laid in Peter’s bed and thought about how Peter was treating him, he wondered if there was a possibility that Peter is actually a decent man. That would never excuse what Peter did to him, but he figured he could do as Peter asked of him and manage to tolerate him. After all, they were going to be in each other’s lives for a long time because of their child. They may as well get used to each other.

Later in the morning, Neal woke up to the smell of scrambled eggs. He didn’t make any move to get up because he didn’t know if he should expect Peter to make food for the two of them. When Peter gently pushed the door open, Neal startled. “Don’t you know how to knock on the door?” Neal flinched at the animosity he heard in his own voice. He hadn’t meant for it to sound so judgmental, but Peter’s presence wasn’t particularly welcome considering how much Peter had hurt him.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know if you were awake yet…” Peter looked down at the floor and murmured, “Breakfast’s on the table. I’m going to shower and get ready for work.” Neal’s brows furrowed when Peter didn’t leave. “I won’t be back until eleven-thirty tonight. I work until four and then I’m in class until eight after work. I have a few things I want to do after class.” Neal didn’t understand why Peter’s hours had changed so drastically. He remembered seeing Peter around on campus during the day. “Not that it matters, but I changed my hours after I found out about…you. The first time we saw each other after the fact is why. You looked so afraid of me and I didn’t want you to walk around campus scared all the time, especially since you lived on campus.”

“Guess you regret it now, don’t you?” Neal asked.

“No. You get a lot of time to yourself. Less time for you to worry and more time for you to focus on keeping yourself and the baby healthy.” Neal gave him such a confused look. “I know you’re still afraid of me. It was very obvious last night. This works out well for you.” He shrugged and added, “You’re more than welcome to use the shower, my clothes, the kitchen... This is essentially your home until you decide it isn’t.” Neal damned him for being so…kind. This didn’t seem like the mentality or personality of a rapist.

Then again, perhaps it was.

Peter could be toying with him. He could be trying to earn his trust, which would ultimately lead to Neal’s own emotional demise. He honestly didn’t think he could handle being sexually assaulted again. Once was more than enough for him. The fact that he’d also gotten pregnant as a result of this was also a little traumatizing. He hadn’t realized he was capable of this nor did he understand why. His doctor had no answers or theories for him.

The very first question the doctor had asked him had been if he were transgender. The fact that he answered that he wasn’t shocked the hell out of the doctor. Fortunately, the doctor decided that Neal’s confidentiality was important due to the uniqueness of Neal’s situation. None of the other doctors or nurses were aware of Neal’s pregnancy, but the doctor recommended an obstetrician for him. That was the only exception he made.

Peter could see that Neal had lost himself in his own thoughts. He wondered what Neal was thinking about, but he knew better than to ask. Neal probably wouldn’t tell him even if he did ask. As far as he was concerned, Neal owed him nothing.

Neal shook his head as he snapped out of his thoughts. “Thanks,” he murmured as he slid out of bed and quickly made his way out of the room and past Peter. Peter turned to watch him and he could see that Neal was surprised by the fact that Peter had dished out breakfast for him—and only him. “I thought you were eating, too.”

“Not hungry,” Peter whispered as he went into his room to gather his work uniform. Neal’s lips parted as he considered how he’d been making Peter feel. Not even twenty-four hours into this, Peter already felt like he needed to do anything and everything for Neal.

When Peter began to make his way towards the bathroom for his shower, Neal said, “Why are you being so kind to me? You know how much I—”

“Just please eat your breakfast,” Peter said exasperatedly. Neal bit his lip and looked away from the other man. Without another word, Peter went into the bathroom. Neal knew he’d upset Peter because Peter had slammed the door shut. He hadn’t even finished his sentence and Peter didn’t want to hear it. While Peter showered, he silently ate his scrambled eggs at the small table in the kitchen.

Neal glanced up when Peter finally emerged from the bathroom. He was fully dressed and Neal assumed Peter had done that to prevent any further discomfort and fearfulness on Neal’s part. Even though Neal still loathed the man who’d hurt him considerably, he found himself whispering, “I’m sorry,” when Peter came into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water out of the refrigerator.

There was a brief moment of hesitation before Peter straightened up and asked, “What are you sorry for?” Neal frowned and looked down at his plate. “Neal, I’m the one who completely fucked up your life. Don’t you ever apologize for anything. I’m just feeling shitty this morning and I’m sorry for essentially snapping at you before my shower.”

“You didn’t fuck up my life,” Neal whispered.

Peter scoffed. “Yes. Yes, I did.” Neal lifted his head and looked at Peter sadly. He didn’t want to admit that he’d ruined his own life because, in part, he did blame Peter for his decisions. “If I hadn’t gotten drunk, I wouldn’t have hurt you. If I hadn’t gone to the party and just stayed in my apartment like I’d planned on doing, I wouldn’t have hurt you.” He gestured at Neal and said, “I can only begin to imagine how much psychological damage I’ve done to you, but I know I’ve done severe damage to you in more ways than one. On top of the pain I have caused you, I’ve impregnated you.” Neal’s brows furrowed as he noticed how Peter’s voice began to shake. He jumped in his seat when Peter let out a sound of fury and whipped his water bottle at the wall. It hadn’t come anywhere near Neal, but it’d still frightened him. “I made you drop out of college because you were so afraid that I’d hurt you again. You gave up your dreams because I made such a stupid fucking mistake.”

Neal hadn’t expected this. When he thought about Peter, he imagined a man who was completely happy with the way his life was going—happy to the point where he didn’t think about the misery and pain others went through. He didn’t think Peter would be this emotional or genuinely seem apologetic. “I decided—”

“Your decisions were made because of what I did to you,” Peter said fiercely. “Believe me when I say you and I are on the same team. I hate myself as much as you hate me—if not more.” Neal stared at him in surprise. “I’ve never taken advantage of another person in my life. I’ve always been in control of myself and I’ve always done my damnedest to make sure I didn’t unintentionally harm someone else for whatever reason. Hell, I try not to let my anger get the best of me. When it does, I go for a run or workout so I don’t say something I don’t mean.” He slammed his hands down onto the countertop and said, “But then I drank carelessly and raped you. That is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.”

Neal remained silent as he watched Peter try to calm himself down. The other man was getting really worked up and upset. It almost seemed like Peter was on the verge of tears. “Would you prefer it if I went somewhere else?”

Peter shook his head. “I’d rather have you here than living on your own. I don’t want you to go through this alone.” He breathed shakily as he said, “I deserve these feelings. I deserve the anger I’ve directed at myself. You were a victim in a situation that never should have happened in the first place.” He finally looked at Neal directly and Neal could see how much pain Peter was inflicting upon himself. “If anyone should be sorry for anything, it’s me. I’ve ruined your college experience, your future career, and you’re going to be a father who’s eventually going to give birth to a child. If I hadn’t… Your life would not be like this if it weren’t for me and I’m always going to resent myself for putting you in a position where you’re suffering financially, physically, and emotionally.” He shook his head and said, “Enough of this fucking pity party. I’ve accepted my responsibility for all of this and I’m fully aware that you’re never going to trust me. I can’t say I blame you. If I were you, I’d hate me, too.” He headed towards the couch and grabbed his jacket. “I have to go. See you later.”

Neal didn’t have the chance to say anything in response. Peter was out the door faster than Neal had ever seen anyone leave. He wondered if he should just pack up the things Peter bought specifically for him and leave. Being around Peter was a mental and emotional struggle as a result of what happened between them, but knowing that Peter is the father of the child inside of him angered him. Seeing Peter so upset with himself gave him mixed feelings. He couldn’t tell if Peter meant everything he’d said and honestly blamed himself. When Neal thought about telling Peter initially, he’d imagined a man who laughed in his face and told him to get a life, a man who laughed at him and proceeded to rape him again before telling him that he should end his life.

This man who was so devoted to self-loathing and regret wasn’t what Neal expected at all.

•◊•

Neal was asleep on the couch with the television on when Peter finally came home. He hadn’t spoken to Neal since that morning and he wished he hadn’t said so much about his inner turmoil. Neal was the last person who’d want to hear about it considering Neal was the victim. As soon as he shut the door, he heard Neal let out a startled gasp. Peter spun quickly to watch Neal lurch off of the couch and run. “Neal, it’s just—” Neal ran into the bathroom and the sounds of vomiting came shortly thereafter. In a panic, Peter went into the bathroom and watched Neal in horror.

The younger man was on his knees in front of the toilet and he was getting extremely sick. After a few moments, Neal stopped vomiting and sat back. He glanced up at Peter apologetically and realized how terrified Peter looked. “It’s just morning sickness,” he whispered.

“But it’s eleven-thirty at night.”

Neal sighed. “Morning sickness doesn’t happen solely in the morning.” He wanted to make a comment about how Peter should know that since he was considering a career in the medical field, but he managed to refrain from doing so. He’d done enough that morning and didn’t feel the need to say anything else that would upset Peter. “I’m sorry for scaring you.” Peter didn’t seem like he wanted Neal’s apology. “You didn’t scare me when you came in,” he admitted. “I woke myself up and was surprised by how nauseated I felt.” He glanced down at his stomach and whispered, “I can’t wait for this to be over.”

Peter didn’t say a word. He simply stared at Neal sadly. He didn’t like the fact that he’d violated Neal’s body, hurt him emotionally, and had impregnated him. Watching him progress through this pregnancy was going to be hell because he didn’t want to see Neal in more pain. “When are you due?”

The younger man gave Peter a confused look. “In February. Why?” It dawned on him then that Peter thought he meant he couldn’t wait for the _pregnancy_ to be over. “I meant my morning sickness,” he clarified. “I hate throwing up.” Peter noticed the way Neal’s hand rested over his stomach. He’d seen a friend caress her own stomach early on in her pregnancy and he asked her about it one day. She’d told him that she hadn’t really thought about doing it, but she always did it when she thought about how much she loved the little life growing inside of her. “I…made dinner. You’ll have to reheat it, but it’s already done.”

“You didn’t have to do that…” Peter whispered.

“You made breakfast,” Neal said, figuring that would be a better answer than admitting that he wanted Peter to eat when Peter came home since he’d left without eating breakfast and more than likely hadn’t gotten himself a lunch either.

Peter shook his head angrily and said, “Don’t. You owe me nothing.” Before Neal could say anything, Peter continued speaking. “You will never owe me a damn thing in your life. I know I bitched up a storm this morning, but I meant what I said. Everything you’re going through was caused by me. I’m responsible for you and for our child.”

Neal stared up at him and asked, “Did you eat today?” Peter said nothing. He didn’t have to. Neal could see how tired he looked and he heard Peter’s stomach growl moments after asking if Peter had eaten. “Go eat dinner.” Peter tried to protest and Neal snapped, “Don’t fucking argue with me about food, God damn it.” Peter’s eyes widened as Neal pushed himself up and breezed past him. He swallowed hard before following Neal out of the bathroom. Peter watched Neal pull a container out of the refrigerator and he began to approach Neal so he could make his own dinner, but Neal shoved him off.

“Neal, let me—”

“Go sit down and shut the fuck up,” Neal hissed. Peter felt bad because he hadn’t intentionally tried to upset Neal. He didn’t want to upset or anger him because he knew that would harm the baby. Because he was the cause of Neal’s negative emotions, he did as Neal asked and turned off the television before he took a seat at the table while simultaneously shutting up. He let Neal go about reheating dinner and thought about how he could change their situation so he didn’t elicit these kinds of reactions from Neal. All of his anxiety and anger would affect their child and Peter blamed himself for making Neal feel like this.

Peter watched Neal for several minutes as Neal decided that watching the container slowly spin around in the microwave was particularly interesting to him. Peter didn’t like this and he knew he needed to be the one to initiate a change in their situation because Neal wasn’t going to lose his fear and resentfulness unless Peter gave him reason to feel otherwise. “Is there anything I can do to make this better?” Neal glanced over his shoulder and raised an eyebrow at him. “You’re always afraid of me and I’ve angered you quite a bit in less than twenty-four hours.” He glanced at Neal’s stomach when Neal turned around to fully face him. “Anxiousness and anger isn’t good for the baby. I don’t want to make you feel that way, so please tell me that I can at least try to help this.”

“You can start by not arguing with me,” Neal whispered. “I made dinner because I was hungry and I saved some for you because I figured you’d be hungry when you came back. I’m pregnant, Peter, but I’m not incapable of functioning normally.” Peter frowned at him. He didn’t sound angry, but Peter could hear the bitterness in his voice. “I haven’t been able to cook since I left home and I was trying to be…” He trailed off and looked away from Peter. “Just don’t fight with me over stupid things like this.”

The microwave went off, so Neal turned around and opened it. He pulled the container out and grabbed a fork out of the drawer before stirring the food around a bit. “I’m sorry, Neal. I honestly want this to be…tolerable. Our child should be our priority.” Neal paused and turned slightly to look at Peter. “It’s not my goal in life to torment you, Neal, and I’m so sorry. I can’t say I’m sorry enough and I’ll never be able to.” He sighed and said, “I don’t want to hurt our child. By angering you and constantly making you afraid of me, I’m already hurting it.”

Neal nodded slowly and looked thoughtful. “I’m sorry for lashing out. I didn’t think about how that would affect the baby…” Peter gave him a half smile, figuring this was progress. “I’ll try to take it into consideration from now on. I don’t want to hurt it either.” He turned away abruptly, which made Peter wonder if something were wrong. “I’ve been so angry, afraid, and depressed for seven weeks. I’m probably going to kill our baby before it’s even born…”

Peter’s eyes widened as he watched Neal fall apart. Neal dropped the fork he’d been using and it clattered against the floor as Neal lifted his hand and began to cry against his palm. Peter felt conflicted because he didn’t know what to do. Comforting Neal required a closer proximity to Neal and he didn’t think Neal would want that, but he also didn’t want Neal to suffer because their baby could suffer as well.

Sliding his chair back, Peter got out of his seat and slowly approached Neal. He watched Neal’s shoulders shake as he tried to cry silently. His quiet gasps and sniffles broke Peter’s heart. “Don’t cry,” he whispered as he stood beside Neal. Tentatively, he rested his hand on Neal’s back. “It’s going to be just fine.”

“Easy for you to say,” he said miserably. “You aren’t the one who considered suicide and constantly channeled all of these negative feelings. You aren’t the one who has to worry about the child inside of you—because there is no child inside of you.”

Because Neal hadn’t reacted negatively to his touch, he tentatively slid his arm around Neal. Much to his surprise, Neal seemed to lean into him. Peter held him gently and was grateful for the fact that Neal was allowing him this. “I may not have a child inside of my body, but I’m worried about you and the child inside of you,” he whispered. “I…regret the fact that I’ve made you feel like your life isn’t worth living very deeply. From this point on, I’m going to do my best to make you comfortable and…happy, I guess.” Neal looked up at him and Peter could see the tears in his eyes. “We’re in this together. You and I are going to be parents, so we need to learn how to cooperate with each other. I, for one, need to learn how to control my own feelings so I don’t inadvertently make you feel certain ways.”

Neal closed his eyes and hated himself for allowing Peter to touch him. Granted, Peter was trying to comfort him. That much, he appreciated. He just hated himself for being okay with this. Peter is the reason he’s pregnant and feeling like this. “I need to learn to let go of my anger,” he whispered. “I’m the one who reached out to you. I’ve treated you like absolute shit and you’ve done so much for me already.”

“Maybe I deserve to be treated like shit,” Peter whispered. “After all, I made you suicidal.” Neal could feel Peter’s heart pounding—as much as his own was pounding. “I can’t imagine feeling like that. I don’t want to imagine you taking your own life…”

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stop hating you,” Neal admitted quietly, “but I’m willing to…try…to forgive you.”

Peter subconsciously nuzzled the side of his face against Neal’s. “I’m not asking for forgiveness,” Peter admitted. “I’ll never ask that of you because I certainly haven’t done anything to earn your forgiveness. To be honest, I don’t think I’ll ever be deserving of forgiveness.” He was surprised when Neal’s hands rested on his chest. They were physically closer than Neal would’ve liked, but Peter was surprised by the additional touch on Neal’s part. “I just want to better our situation and give our child a good life. You and the baby are my priority. You instantly became my priority when I spoke to you on the phone.”

Neal’s hand rested over Peter’s heart and he didn’t understand why he was acting this way. His body was acting on its own because he certainly didn’t think about touching the man who’d hurt him so terribly. He didn’t want to share intimate touches with this man, yet he was resting his hands on this man’s chest and his body was pressed closely against the other man whose arms were also circled around him.

For the first time in seven weeks, Neal, admittedly, felt comfortable…


End file.
